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See, this is the reason people should be happy with what they have. Nothing seems to be good enough for most though... humans in this consumerist country are fueled by their everylasting insatiable lust and greed. It makes me sick. Sick to think of things like this. What if I was brutally murdered tomorrow by some random psychopath? Granted their are plenty of weirdos in historic ellicott city. It's a whole nation, that is trapped in the Hungry ghost realm. I was in the god realm.. I truly felt that what I had was all I needed in life. I was really happy. Now I don't know where I am. Mostly I think that I am in the human realm. I know what I want, and I do not want this. Happiness in life is always is never constant, but I didn't believe that my suffering would come in such a form |
| wisdom - Sunday, October 9, 2005 9:08 pm
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I spoke with my father tonight, a person I feel has great wisdom. I told kat to get out of my house, and I feel bad about it... but I had to so we could both be sane. It's almost like, now I have regrets for being so accomodating last time we broke up. This time I don't have to have any regrets that were within my control, and maybe my relationship with her, whatever state it may be, will have one less thing for me to hold against her... I don't want to hold anything more against than I already do. Things are going to suck for us both for a while. I don't think either of us was ready to commit to this relationship yet... It's too bad too. I talked to a friend of mine today that is married, and he bascially convinced me that trying to make things work right now just wouldn't work. This separation is necessary. Maybe it will drive us apart forever, maybe it won't. I honestly don't know what to think of our relationship other than the fact that we would've totally worked out together if it wasn't for some really rather minor things in the grand scope of life. I mean, jesus, if I lived in Africa faced with genocide I would have a lot more to worry about, or a Jew in Nazi germany. People in these countries where they have nothing they get the greatest satisfaction out of the littlest things. Unfortunately, I live in america where everything is 24/7/365 fast food, computers, internet, cell phones, bigger, better, fucking more. Whenever I felt down, I would know I was lucky that I had someone that loved me. I hoped she feels that way too, even if we cannot be together now, possibly ever again. I hope, above all though, that we both find happiness no matter what happens, and still be friends. I put the pictures back up that I took down.... the memories will always be beautiful.... and I know I cannot change the past. The future is uncertain, and that's okay... I think I need the uncertainty. It tests my ever aspect, and now that I am a spiritual person, I can be strong, and I know I will survive. I love and miss you Kat. Maybe some day....
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So it seems the planets are properly aligned to screw me for the next 9 months or so:
Beginning of October 2005 until beginning of July 2006: During this time your opportunities may be curtailed and your freedom of action may be quite limited. Restrictions seem to come from nowhere, and you may have to work very hard just to maintain your accustomed level, let alone improve it. This period can be quite unfavorable financially, especially if you have not been very careful in recent years. It tests how well you have put your life together in almost every area, but especially in matters related to finances, business and your profession. You may discover that many aspects of your life cannot withstand real adversity. Approximately seven years ago, many new activities began in your life. Now they are being tested to see whether they have any real importance in your life. Anything that does not withstand this test should be abandoned or substantially changed. It will be possible to hold on to something that clearly does not work, in spite of opposition from others and restrictions from your surroundings. And if you do that, after this time, it may appear to be working out all right. But that is only because the current challenge is over. However, in about seven years anything you have clung to will be tested again and will cause far more trouble than it does now. In other words, if something isn't working now, let it go! Typically this influence produces extreme restlessness. Your drive for freedom is relentlessly curbed by the restrictions of this influence, and you feel very strongly that you must break out of these restrictions. You may experience job or residence changes and the breakup of personal relationships that seem to interfere unduly with your freedom. However these changes are usually just hasty reactions to this influence. You would be much better off to calmly evaluate what is and isn't working in your life and to consciously eliminate the elements that do not work. Don't just react blindly because of frustration.
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Yeah, it’s over now, but I can breathe somehow
When it’s all worn out, I’d rather go without
You know it’s been on my mind
Could you stand right there
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it’s over now
We pay our debt sometime
Well it’s over now, yet I can see somehow
When it’s all gone wrong, it’s hard to be so strong
You know it’s been on my mind
Could you stand right there
Look me straight in the eye and say
That it’s over now
We pay our debt sometime
Yeah, we pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
Yeah, we pay our debt sometime
Guess it’s over now, I seem alive somehow
When it’s out of sight, just wait and do your time
You know it’s been on my mind
Could I stand right here
Look myself in the eye and say
That it’s over now
We pay our debt sometime
Yeah, we pay our debt sometime
We pay our debt sometime
Yeah, we pay our debt sometime
its cold, and its empty here
and I am missing the only taste
of salvation from the day's tedium
over now
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-- from facing the future
"We cannot distinguish true happiness from sensual gratification,
and thus we seek happiness by frantically pursuing sensual pleasures,
which are transient, degrading, and bound up with anxiety.
To try to extract real happiness from sensual pleasures,however,
is like trying to satisy one's thirst by drinking sea water:
the more one drinks, the thirstier one becomes."
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| fall - Wednesday, October 5, 2005 09:50 am
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with fall comes colors
and change too, new things
can it be me?
I want to be new
I wish I wasn't the same old thing
I have tried, but I keep waking up as the same person
I wish I could wake up and be a different person
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| numb - Tuesday, October 4, 2005 10:00 pm
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have you ever gotten a piercing or a tatoo? you know that numb feeling you get where your brain has just perceived too much pain to acknowledge your surroundings anymore? that's where I am. I can't feel right now. I know everything will be okay, its just scary. Like getting blood drawn. Having that needle stuck in your vein seeping the life fluids from you.
I don't like this feeling
and I wish it would stop, I mean, its debilitating. I have been so stressed out. I am worried about my job ending... what if I don't get another contract? What if I need to take off time? What then? Sux0rs. I get 7 hours off time a month until I have been there 6 months... All of that time will be taken by holidays. I am pretty sure I am already in the negative because of holidays. It's kinda stupid you know. All starting in september. I miss the days at SoM only because you were there. I could see you at lunch and my day would be that much brighter. Just that little time to spend together during the day... I miss that. That's really the only thing I miss about SoM though. I shouldn't have changed jobs. Now there is so much uncertainty. Because of the time I didn't spend with you at lunch during the week, you forgot about me. Because I don't have a phone, you tell me to go to ellicott city where I cannot talk to you. And at work now I sit alone, occasionally talking briefly with my boss about him working on his escape tunnel from the prison we report to every day. Other than that, it's just that constant stress time with you. The time with Isis where we must maintain order and discipline in the world. Busy time. I was forgetting that you loved me too you know. I thought about getting out too you know. It's been hard for me to spend this much time alone. But I didn't try to get out... because I had faith in you.
I understood that this was a hard time for us both and that you schedule makes it hard to get together... so I waited... oblivious to the void that was forming in you. Now it's consuming me and I hope, if I get out, that you won't have slipped away from me. I don't know if I could look back
well.. I suppose it's nice to have internet in OEC... I guess
aim sn:bilths
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