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 This morning, I found a note in the pocket of my jacket. It was addressed to me... and it was sweet. But, it wasn't from you. It was from Sarah. I almost forgot about how kind some people can be. Look at the picture Chris took of us Kat. You lookin all cute. Me lookin all gothed out. It's a great picture you know... Sorry I flipped on you last night. After seeing that Andrew may be a person I will be running into on a regular basis whether I like it or not, whether you are involved with him or not, makes me very unhappy. Going out was a way to escape the drudgery of my personal life and professional life. I feel like there is no place that is sacred to me anymore. It's almost as if the entire area is cursed with an energy of pure negativity right now. So much chaos. Where is the reasoning in this all? I really want to break something. The open mic set last night got cut short because Erik was late coming back from another gig. Such a tease. Now how will I take out my aggression? Meditation has been bringing me back to the same state of spiteful, insidious anger that I started with. Please do not piss me off in the next few days, because I do not know that I can express my frustrations in the healthiest of ways.
Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth?
Linus: To make others happy.
Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth?
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Looks like another night alone. It's hard for me to sleep not knowing. Knowing
is worse. Knowledge is power, knowledge is truth. Truth is suffering. Suffer in
truth. I feel bad you know. Yesterday, I told a friend that I didn't want to see her.
I led her on for a week and then cancelled on her. I should've never let her talk to
me like that. I should've refused her advances. I never actually saw her though.
It's times like this that the internet is great for being impersonal. I feel bad still
though. I guess I am passing on the energy of unmet expectations. I need a
better outlet for it. That was definitely the wrong way to handle the energy.
Expectations are beliefs. We struggle with our beliefs and they imprison us. It's
part of shaving the inside of your skull. It's that we take our beliefs and cut them
off. Examine each and decide why it's there. Decide if this is what we truly are.
Being is the most important thing. Not being is nonexistence. Your nonexistence
makes me feel empty. I wish for these things to revert back, like a reset button
on the console of life. It's stupid to want something like that, you can't actually have
it. It's stupid to want something you can't have... you know?
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Tonight I went out with kat. I had an awesome time... I really did. There was all sorts of crazy drama going on, and other good times to be had. I did not spend almost any time at all with kat though. She passed out at midnight in annapolis. It's a long, cold drive at 5 in the morning alone coming back from annapolis you know. Every song I heard on the radio reminded me of her too. It's like a permanent imprint in my brain of a person that I know I will never completely disassociate with. Like the moon leaving a crater on the face of the earth, her effects are life altering in ways that I never would have comprehended in all my youth. This night I was hoping to spend some time, to hang out, to be friends again. That opportunity did not arise. I know another will probably not come for some time again... and it saddens me greatly despite the suffering I have already put myself through. Where am I going? This ride of life has gotten nauseating. I want someone else to drive for a little while, I am tired of holding on to the oh shit handles. Missing you kat.
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New York: How do you know when you're ready to get married? Carolyn Hax: When there's no question you'd still be with this person unmarried. When you'd gladly elope except that it might make your mom sad to miss it. When you're not looking for marriage to change anything about your lives together except your tax-filing status.
I could go on, but wouldn't want to keep you guys waiting for the next question. Snort.
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| harsh - Friday, October 28, 2005 09:06 am
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Was that last entry a little harsh?
Sorry about that, only spilling my feelings onto the page
I can't wait to go out tonight. To be free in th world.
I hate it when women wear perfume that is so strong it seems as if they
have spread it over every single square inch of skin they could find
And it's never a good smell either, it's always that
godawful smell that makes you want to vomit.
The worst is getting in an elevator with them, being
trapped inside the little metal box with these people that think
that they smell great, but in fact are causing my innards to work in reverse
You know who I'm talking about. You've probably worked with that
lady before. You just want to say "argh! you smell terrible! go in a corner and die!"
But you can't because that's not polite. I hope Kat is okay. She never came home
last night. Even though I am pretty pissed off at her right now, I am still concerned
with her health.... So once I verify she's okay I can chew her out. . . grrrr.... no
not really. That's not a very buddhist thing to do. Venting my frustrations...
Women are all crazy, you know? I can't wait until work is over. There is so much
I want to do this weekend. I know it's going to be crazy.
I wish you could see the value I see in it... but that's not my problem now.
The master plan for life seems to be missing a few essential blueprints
winding up and down these hills, reaching great heights, only to fall
down greater cliffs.
When will the forest be seen for the trees
Never
Never
Never
Serpent you speak in tongues and fill my head with your poisons
No more will I put my faith in your empty lies
No more will you use me like a crutch to achieve greater glory on my back
No more will I look to you for anything
Your words will fall on deaf ears
Your sights will fall on blind eyes
Your games will not bleed this heart any longer
Stay out of my head
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| awake - Friday, October 28, 2005 04:09 am
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sleep will not find me. I cannot sleep at all. I've tried everything. My head is
spinning. Why do you tell me what you do? What are you trying to accomplish
by lying about everything? Can you not face the truth? I am having a hard time
with it honestly. It's really gross you know? Disgusting even. Really unattractive.
You looked better to me when your head was shaved. I need to stop craving.
I need to stop looking for gold under the rocks in my backyard. I need to stop
wanting another cigarette. I need to stop dreaming. I need to stop thinking that
you're coming back soon. I need a release. The tension is sickening, and my
sanity has taken all the abuse I can handle. Today is friday. Today I will strive
for a better day. Today I will eventually go back to sleep.... maybe.
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This was taken from dailyrotten.com
No "morning after" pill for rape victim
Arizona Daily Star | Submitted by: anonymous
"Although it is safe, effective and legal, emergency contraception - the morning after pill - can be hard to find in Tucson. After a sexual assault one recent weekend, a young Tucson woman spent three frantic days trying to obtain the drug to prevent a pregnancy, knowing that each passing day lowered the chance the drug would work. While calling dozens of Tucson pharmacies trying to fill a prescription for emergency contraception, she found that most did not stock the drug. When she finally did find a pharmacy with it, she said she was told the pharmacist on duty would not dispense it because of religious and moral objections." | | Read article... | Comments (9) |
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